Tsuna's Book
by Kaleidoscope Of Tales
Summary: Tsuna's a boring kid. Even his own mother calls him 'Dame'. But an encounter on a rooftop edge changes everything, and he's not so alone anymore. AU. TsunaXAll
1. Tsuna Bites Back

Tsuna led a doubtlessly boring life, with boring people and boring places. In fact, God could run out of demons down in hell and just say, "Hey, that Sawada kid looks free!" and _pop!_ Tsuna and his meaningless life would be over. No one would even notice, excluding his mother who'd honestly just assume he was asleep.

Worst of all, Tsuna was hyper-aware of the boringness of his being. He was boring to the extent of being a kitten. And now, you may say kittens are fascinating, but nobody ever called Tibbles Einstein, did they? Tsuna was passively adorable, and could maybe learn to drive a car and make it big as the first cat to do so, but basically spent his day chasing the string that no one else wanted.

He was so boring, that he even knew his schedule off by heart: be boring.

Boom.

In fact, Tsuna was so boring, that he no longer cared how boring he was. He was even _bored_ , and maybe someday he'd change and become a mafia boss or something equally crazy, but for now he was just… boring.

He was so boring, that he even knew that he'd said boring eleven times. Twelve. Dammit.

After thirteen years of waiting for something to happen, _for anything to happen_ , he gets a lucky break in someone else's unluckiness. In fact, it really isn't all that lucky, because he has to convince a suicidal baseball player to _get the hell of the school roof_. He doesn't say that word to word, but he kind of means it. Like, durh. The guy was the school's sport _star_. He _mattered_. Tsuna really doesn't want one of the interesting people in the school to die, and really, he has no reason to live himself, so he runs up to the rooftop. The boy, who Tsuna recognizes as Yamamoto Takeshi, glances back when he hears the door shut behind Tsuna, who's clumsy enough to slam it. So much for subtle.

Tsuna decides that he is fed up with boring. He walks up to beside Yamamoto, and says as bravely as he can for a boring coward, "If you jump, I jump too."

For some reason, Yamamoto decides not to jump, and Tsuna is left disappointed. It is, however, the start of a dysfunctional friendship, and Tsuna isn't lonely anymore.

Takeshi is really an idiot, and that brings out the equal idiot in Tsuna, so now he is a little less boring. Now he's stupid, which isn't much of a promotion, but Tsuna takes it.

They study together, and really, Tsuna thinks it makes them even stupider, but he doesn't tell Yamamoto. The weirdo seems to enjoy hanging out with Dame-Tsuna, and that's… interesting. Yamamoto is fascinating naturally, and Tsuna supposes that's why he's so popular. He doesn't _need_ to be smart. Then again, the logic doesn't work with Hibari Kyoya, so Tsuna takes it back. If something doesn't work with Hibari, then it's not worth it. 'Worth' being the cost of your life.

Tsuna learns this when, a week into being stupid with Takeshi, he comes late to school. It's ironic really, because he's misplaced his boring uniform black shoe, and he knows he'll be 'bitten to death' if he can't find it. He's attacked with twice the power he expected as he enters Nanimori Middle as a straggler, a full minute late. Hibari doesn't hold back, and his tonfas are damn _sharp_. Tsuna had previously wanted to believe that they were fakes, but that was just wistful thinking. Tsuna loses hope in humanity, and, with his final breaths, bites Hibari Kyoya like a madman.

Maybe he isn't as boring as he imagined, Tsuna thinks, as his teeth sink through Hibari's hand and tear. He staggers away, spitting out a pink-red fleshy liquid, ignoring the 'carnivore's' narrowed eyes watching him.

 _Gross_! He thinks, and in that moment considers the flavour of souls. Hibari's following move screams 'bitch puh- _lease_!' and Tsuna ducks as tonfas rain down on him. Hibari is grinning and successfully doppelganging Satan, with teeth as sharp as knives. Thank god that Hibari hadn't bitten him with them, or Tsuna would _really_ be fearing for his life.

Wait, what life? Since when has _Sawada Tsunayoshi_ had a _life_?

Crap, Tsuna thinks. He has a life now, and it is _way_ too soon to lose it. And it's not like he suddenly develops super powers or anything- but he totally does. It's all like _whoop!_ And **BAM!** and _Snap_! And… well, you get the point.

Somehow, though, Tsuna still ends up on the ground. He may have gotten a little too anime and tried to backflip, but let it be known that it has never been said that Tsuna was sporty in the first place.

Awkward, Tsuna stares up at the rabies-infected dog, who's probably foaming at the mouth. Hibari looks blankly down at him, humming " _Kill him, kill him not,_ " ripping petals off of flowers… you get the idea.

"Tch," Hibari mutters suddenly, twirling –yes, twirling. His cape spun in the wind. It was kind of beautiful. Silently, the vampire stalks back toward the school.

Tsuna watches him go, exhilarated, and strangely disappointed.

Maybe he's not quite as boring as he thought, he decides. And maybe he has a life. But it took two life-threatening situations to realize this, and Tsuna isn't going to stop there.

Over the next month he comes late every Monday, walks shoeless each Tuesday, wears a skirt on Wednesdays, forgets his shirt for Thursday, and attempts to hug Hibari on Friday.

Honestly, he's not sure how he's still alive. He is stupid on a whole new level now, and even Takeshi is impressed. The school nurse knows him by name now, and they know so much about each other from small talk that she's now one of his best friends. He knows her as Bianchi, and by this point he's realized she knows nothing about first-aid. She confides in him that she actually threatened her ex's boyfriend Benvolio, and the only payment he could offer was a job in his uncle's school. She'd been hoping to teach Home Economics, and was, well, fairly pissed off. Italian headlines now read 'Gay Couple Still Missing' and 'Romeo and Benvolio Presumed Dead'.

Bianchi is very much not-boring. Tsuna was proud to have her as a friend.

She approves of his attention-seeking with Hibari, even though she calls it by a very different name. "You are quite the seductress, Tsunayoshi," she tells him proudly. Tsuna doesn't bother correcting her, because it was her genius idea to wear a skirt on Wednesdays. For this he forgives her. The first time he dressed up sans trousers Hibari's grey eyes seemed to bore into his soul. Tsuna felt they really shared a moment there, even as he ducked under a blood-stained tonfa.

Fridays are no less interesting, and Hibari has left so many marks on his chest that Tsuna can finally call himself a badass, even if it's not by the means he expected. When he looks at the cuts in the mirror at a certain angle with the lights dim, Tsuna is pretty sure he can make out a smiley face. It's like cloud watching. Except with battle scars. He traces something resembling a love heart and grins. It's _so_ worth it.

Hibari seems to be at the top of the food chain, and Tsuna can't argue with that. But when the carnivore _finally_ accepts Tsuna as a fellow animal he is ecstatic! He can't fight the grin pulling on his lips as Hibari nonchalantly refers to him as 'Little Maned Wolf'.

Tsuna feels this is one leap forward in their maladjusted relationship, and rushes to the library to look up the furry creature.

And it is freaking adorable.

It has legs like a baby deer, and the fur of a fox. It is an efficient killer, but only hunts when necessary for food. It's skittish and shy around humans, but often steals their chickens like a BAMF behind their backs. A Bambi-Assed Murder Fox. It all made so much sense now.

Tsuna finds this an acceptable caricature and stops his weekly attempts to, as Bianchi knows it as, 'Make Senpai Notice Him'. Because, Yandere-Chan, Tsuna has caught the attention of this man-bitch. He is unsure of whether this is good or bad, though it certainly makes for an interesting bond. But as attractive as the prefect was, Tsuna no longer was the happy roof-jumper he once was. He hasn't even said 'boring' the last 368 words- _dammit_.

He's still stupid though.

It's probably because of this that he doesn't notice Bianchi noticing Takeshi noticing Hibari noticing him, and ignores the pink-haired girl's fanfictions and what she calls 'shipping'. He accepts that she is rather messed up, and moves on.

Or, at least, he could have- had he not stumbled on the things she wrote.

After recovering from what truly could have traumatized him for life, Tsuna realizes he now has a goal in life. He is going to write a book, and it is going to tell all his fellow poor unfortunates how to stop being boring.

Somewhere along the way, Tsuna realized the book was actually turning out sincere. It had never been intentional, and maybe it hurt a little that he had forgotten how sad it was to be boring. Boring was pain that wasn't there. Boring was uncertainty. Boring was meaningless. It was depressing, really, how his feelings escaped in white paper and black font.

 _At twelve years of age, my own mother began knowing me as 'Dame-Tsuna'. I don't believe she meant the offense, but as the slur turned into a casual routine, I felt myself resign to the name. If my own mother no longer cared about my feelings, who was I to? I think I wanted to die, in those moments. I never considered suicide, too cowardly to do so, but forever wondered what would happen if I died simply and silently. Just slipped away into nothing in my room? Would my mother notice- my schoolmates, neighbours? Would anyone stop to ask where the Sawada boy went? Would anyone care? Or would my name fall like a trodden Sakura flower, dead and forgotten? My name held no meaning, and nor did my smiles. I was alone. At my funeral, even I would ask, "Who was Sawada Tsunayoshi?"_

He never could have guessed how this one book would spin his life around, all because of one meeting on a rooftop and a dying will to change.

Tsuna didn't want to be boring, and that's what started it all.

* * *

 **AU- Huzzah. This was supposed to be a random one-shot, but it only got weirder. It'll probably be a three-shot, I'd assume. This world is totally AU, and I'm not saying whether Dying Will flames will play a part, but Tsuna's still the same idiot we all know and love. TsunaXAll, because everyone is awesome. He will be OOC, but, well, AU. Not the same guy. A parallel Tsuna, you could say, but with the same Dame mindset and ideals. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Awestriking Madmen In Drag

Yamamoto Takeshi had what you call a **_Tragic Past_**. Men with **_Tragic Pasts_** were often mysterious, brave and _hot_. These all could apply to Takeshi, but his not quite devil-may-care but perhaps devil-likes-balls _(base_ balls) attitude could be seen as a turn-off. Not that this had happened often. Still considered one of the most attractive (and possibly most sane) out of all the students, he had gathered an army of fangirls. In fact, the fearsome stalkers had created a religion worshipping him. "Takeshi our Senpai, You art our obsession, Boy-Meat be thy name".

Not that he knew.

.. Yet.

Takeshi could no longer count the number of times he'd ran down the street in his pyjamas screaming that, no, Gasai-san, those were _his_ boxers…

Regardless, the attention didn't make the hot boy with a **_Tragic Past_** any less oblivious, but it certainly refrained him from ever becoming boring. It was his **_Tragic Past_** that brought him to Tsuna, and for that he was thankful. Seeing that he was **_A Hot Guy With A Tragic Past_** it was unlikely he'd ever fall for the Mary-Sue next door, or the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way with the mental handicap. No. Instead, he developed a crush on the most Dere boy to ever be DereDere.

He just didn't know it yet. The poor fool probably thought it was normal to use the perverted Shamal voice (the one that _all_ consciences have) when thinking of your friends. So on Wednesdays when his conscience wolf-whistled that _that_ skirt with _those_ legs was a **yes,** he presumably just laughed and agreed. But honestly, that kid had a lot going for him. A great personality, adorable face, and the fact that he was the one person Taskeshi could call a friend.

So when Tsuna announces that tomorrow is the start of World Crossdressing Week, Takeshi just smiles and nods along because _damn_ , this must be his lucky day. Yesterday was National Moe Appreciation day and now _this_? Takeshi's conscience is performing the haka in euphoria. He mentions briefly that his **_Tragic Past_** refrains him from owning any woman's clothes, and Tsuna tells him that he'll just have to be _Tsuki_ enough for both of them. Takeshi laughs, thinking it's a joke.

It's really not.

Tsuna's really not as boring as he thinks, Takeshi smiles. He's really lucky, he thinks again, that he has Tsuna. All they have is each other. Their friendship is so meaningful; so unique. He sighs in content.

"I wonder if a week is enough time to collect a harem," Tsuna says.

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

 _When I was twelve, I went to the guidance councillor. I had it all planned out. I'd tell her how meaningless everything was. How useless my being was. How dame. I'd tell her how lonely I felt, and how boring my life was. How I wanted to be something more._

 _All of that went out the window when she greeted me._

 _"Something up Dame-Tsuna?"_

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

Day #1 of World Crossdressing Week is very stressful. Firstly, Tsuna can't quite decide what to wear. The skirt he'd bought the day prior (having earned him a lot of stares) is unflattering, and the evening gown is, unfortunately, too flashy. He knows by now his orange jumpers and shirts are girl social-suicide, and so has to ask his mother. She calls up from the kitchen that she'll promise to help, as long as he comes out of the closet.

Tsuna bangs his head on a shelf on the way out and concusses himself. His mother finds him surrounded by dresses and crop-tops and mourns in silence.

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

There were many types of girl, Tsuna learns, but he emphasizes most with the Babe In Total Control of Herself most, also known as a B.I.T.C.H. He also has some worrying fangirl tendencies, as Yamamoto Takeshi learns that night.

"Takeshi!" Tsuna's voice buzzes through the phone. "I think I've found love!

"Yeah?" Takeshi asks, disappointment swelling at Tsuna's braggadocio tone. "Where?" Tsuna squeals like the girl he probably is.

"Chapter 3!"

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

As a fangirl Tsuna can finally appreciate great works of literature. Of fanfiction. By now he's learned the highs and lows of writing- the _"_ _Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?"_ to the fascinatingly descriptive comparing of lips to bubble-gum.

He also now realizes how perverted the majority of every fandom was. Tsuna has learned things he can never forget. He has witnessed lines he will never unsee. He never knew that lollipops could work like that.

Besides, Tsuna's pretty sure fanfiction is where Kira was born. He's developed such a god-complex recently that he's beginning to think Drarry is canon. That Percy Jackson joined Chaos. That the wimpy kid with the gravity-defying hair became a mafia boss and got really powerful and fought a lot of hot guys and slowly and unknowingly gathered a murderous (yet good-looking) harem.

Tsuna's feeling inspired. And an inspired Tsunayoshi is an awestriking madman in drag.

So, with the aid of a webcam and his good friend Benicio (previously Bianchi), he sets up an account on a dating site. Unfortunately, the site is in Italian and Tsuna can only have faith in Benicio's word as she sets up his profile.

"I want it to be honest," Tsuna was saying. "You know. Nothing too exaggerated. I don't want to sound desperate."

Benicio however is no-nonsense. "Nessun modo!" She argues. "Io, Benicio, so l'amore."

Tsuna has learned that Benicio's angle is the 'Hot Foreign Dude', and flips open a dictionary. "Yes way!" He disagrees. "Also, why are you putting in that I'm eighteen?"

"Stupido," she sighs, her accent immediately giving her the upper hand. Tsuna doesn't even bother looking up the translation. "You aren't legal yet, Tsuki."

"Oh," Tsuna isn't sure how to retort to this. That's right. He's just a (somewhat hipster) fourteen year old crossdresser aspiring to become a writer.

"Tsuki, it's finished!" Benicio declares brightly. "Should I get the cookies?"

"Uh," Tsuna racks through his mind for an excuse. Something believable, something believable… "I ate Takeshi. I'm full. I mean-"

"Forget I asked," Benicio tells him, smiling in patronizing amusement. Tsuna remembers that she is, in fact, his elder. His perverted, strange, fanfiction-writing and not-boring elder.

"Can I see it?" Tsuna asks, scooting over. "Ooh…"

 _Nome: Tsuki Sawada_

 _Età: 18_

 _Genere: femminile_

 _Capelli: castani e lanuginosa_

 _Occhi: Come una cerva_

 _Altezza: Super breve_

 _Ama: Cioccolatini, rose, e rischiare la vita_

 _Lati negativi: La noia, tristezza e rabbia_

 _Una citazione per descrivere te: "In my head like a damn stampede, corvette mindset, vroom vroom- high speed."_

 _Una cosa che vorresti dire? : Mi annoio D_

 _Messaggio: sexy come una pecora ubriaco su meth._

"I don't understand any of that," Tsuna ventures.

"I didn't expect you to."

"Will you tell me what it means?" He asked, watching the save screen load. He ducks his head, hoping his gravity-defying fringe will hide the fear in his eyes.

Benicio can smell fear.

"Maybe someday."

"Why is there a winky face?"

"I'm not sorry."

"Benicio, what does the Altezza one say? And why does the last one have the word 'sexy' in it? I told you not to lie! _What did you say about me?_ "

"I can't tell you," Benicio says in cruel victory. "It's finished."

Tsuki realizes, in that desperate moment, that she has damned herself.

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

"Benicio, the room smells like marshmallows. It's so dirty though. Is that the kind of thing you post?"

"I'll send it."

 **6:30**

 **Tsuki** _: La mia stanza è così sporco ;)_

 **Tsuki:** _Sento odore di come marshmallow. Gusto come uno di troppo._

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

Tsuna does not expect a reply so fast, but as soon Bianchi finishes typing up a suspiciously long notice the screen glows in pride.

"Bya has messaged you," she reads out in Japanese, for Tsuna's sake.

 **6:31**

 **Bya:** _Sembri interessante. Ti va di chattare?_ _Mi piace marshmallow_.

"What's it say, what's it say?"

"You seem interesting, want to chat? He likes marshmallows."

"Check his profile. He might be super old and creepy like Nezu or something."

"Of course," Bianchi says naturally, clicking on his profile and scanning through it like a pro. "You know, I met Reborn on a site like this."

"No, and who?"

"Oh, he was just… I don't know, Tsuki. He was so violent, yet passionate, and…" she sighs wistfully.

"Like Hibari-san?"

Bianchi stops midsentence to turn and stare. "Like Hibari-san," she agrees slowly. Clearing her throat, she continues, "His name is Gesso Byakuran. He's eighteen, tall, with white hair and purple eyes. He likes marshmallows and his favourite word is 'World Peace'. He hates weak people and would like to destroy the world someday."

"That sounds… a little counterproductive," Tsuna admits. "Oh well," it's not like he has much to lose, he decides foolishly. "Agree."

The world-changing sound of Bianchi clicking the 'accept chat request' button will haunt him forever.  
*"*"*"*"*"*"*

White light floods the screen and Tsuna blinks, slowly adjusting. "Hello? Is someone there and do they speak Japanese."

"No," comes a voice. "And also… no. Sorry!"

"Damn it, Benicio," Tsuna exhales, turning to his friend. "What are we going to do?"

He can make out her disbelieving face and understands she is clearly as surprised as he is. As always, Tsuna is wrong.

"Stupido," Benicio mutters, returning to 'Hot Foreign Dude' mode. "He's right there and speaking Japanese."

Tsuna pauses. "Oh."

"Haha! Now, let's talk marshmallows, Tsuki-chan…"

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

Tsuna vows never to tell anyone what was spoke of during that conversation. There was, admittedly, talk of candy and world domination, but more followed and he is truly scarred for life.

Somehow he now has a sponsor, though, and his road to becoming a writer is now far smoother.

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

 ** _In return for the money and support? Tsuna's address, true gender, and name._**

*"*"*"*"*"*"*

AN: I do not speak Italian. I know some French, German _,_ Latin and Irish, but I do not speak Italian. However, here are some rough translations:

 _Age: 18_

 _Female gender_

 _Hair: brown and fluffy_

 _Eyes: As a doe_

 _Height: Super short_

 _He loves: Chocolates, roses, and risk their lives_

 _Minuses: The boredom, sadness and anger_

 _A quote to describe you: "In my head like a damn stampede, corvettes mindset, vroom vroom- high speed."_

 _One thing I'd like to say? : I'm bored ;D_

 _Message: Sexy as a drunk sheep on meth._

Then, _My room is so dirty ;)_

 _I smell like marshmallows. Taste just like one too._ (ooh)

Basically, Benicio tells the truth. But twists it. A lot. And perverts it. As one does.

 **And yes, Byakuran has appeared before Reborn. I'm going to hold back on bringing Reborn in too soon, but it'll be a short fic anyway. Yes, there is plot. I already know the ending. It's just putting everything together that's hard. It's in multiple pieces because I wrote it over, maybe, two weeks. I was lazy. Sorry. Far more references because of my fangirl friends who won't stop gushing over this and that.**


End file.
